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Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get On with Life, by Margalis Fjelstad
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People with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorders have a serious mental illness that primarily affects their intimate, personal, and family relationships. Often they appear to be normally functioning at work and in public interactions, and Narcissists may even be highly effective, in the short term, in some work or social situations. However, in intimate relationships, they can be emotional, aggressive, demeaning, illogical, paranoid, accusing, and controlling—in the extreme. Their ability to function normally or pleasantly can suddenly change in an instant, like flipping a switch. These negative behaviors don’t happen once in a while, they happen almost continuously in their intimate relationships and most often, and especially with their Caretaker family member.
Here, Margalis Fjelstad describes how people get into a Caretaker role with a Borderline or Narcissist, and how they can get out. Caretakers give up their sense of self to become who and what the Borderline or Narcissist needs them to be. This compromises the Caretaker’s self-esteem, distorts their thinking processes, and locks them into a Victim-Persecutor-Rescuer pattern with the Borderline or Narcissist. The book looks at the underlying rules and expectations in these relationships and shows Caretaker’s how to move themselves out of these rigid interactions and into a healthier, more productive, and positive lifestyle—with or without the Borderline/Narcissistic partner or family member. It describes how to get out of destructive interactions with the Borderline or Narcissist and how to take new, more effective actions to focus on personal wants, needs, and life goals while allowing the Borderline or Narcissist to take care of themselves. It presents a realistic, yet compassionate, attitude toward the self-destructive nature of these relationships, and gives real life examples of how individuals have let go of their Caretaker behaviors with creative and effective solutions.
- Sales Rank: #15111 in eBooks
- Published on: 2013-02-07
- Released on: 2013-01-04
- Format: Kindle eBook
Review
Fjelstad outlines the pros and cons of staying with vs. leaving a BP/NP partner, and suggests therapy and self-coaching strategies to help caretakers regain confidence. . . .VERDICT . . . Fjelstad delivers a thorough self-help guide for caretakers of BP/NP patients. Recommended for psychology collections. (Library Journal)
I thoroughly enjoyed reading Fjelstad�s book and I found it informative, exciting, and above all very well written. Fjelstad is truly honest and frank about the fact that the borderline and narcissist are mentally ill and unwilling to change. She is open about the fact that caretakers too get something from the situation and that it is up to them to break the cycle of caretaking since the BP or NP is not going to change their ways. Fjelstad's advice is well thought out and practical which makes them easier to follow and she provides the reader with specific ideas and examples to how the caretaker can make the changes needed to rid themselves of the power that the BP or NP has over them. . . . [T]he book is excellent material for anyone that is living with or has any involvement with a BP or a NP, close or distant, since the book fosters understanding of the disorders and the need of the caretaker. The book can be of great use to psychology student, especially those in clinical psychology or those focusing on personality disorders. (Metapsychology Online Reviews)
Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist is refreshingly no-nonsense, provides lots of useful hints on how to put this self-care model into practice while at the same time informing thoroughly and in no uncertain terms about the BP/NP's view of the world. It is a most helpful book! (Addiction / Sucht / Adicci�n)
If your borderline or narcissistic family member won’t or can’t get help, this book will help you get over your fear, obligation and guilt and get on with your own wonderful life. (Randi Kreger, borderline personality disorder expert and advocate, the author/coauthor of Stop Walking on Eggshells and The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder)
Margalis Fjelstad 's Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist is a must-have tool for disentangling from Borderline/Narcissistic Personality family patterns. I especially appreciate the important distinction made between codependency and caretaking. This book makes a complicated subject easy to read and understand. Fjelstad skillfully puts things in perspective by giving thorough attention to Rescuer/Victim/Persecutor dynamics in the 'Drama Triangle.’ (Elayne Savage, PhD, practicing psychotherapist, workplace coach and author of Don’t Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection)
Indispensable insight and advice for anyone who feels a loss of control due to his or her relationship with a toxic person. This book offers hope that control and confidence can be regained, while offering understanding that allows for prevention of such psychologically damaging relationships in the future. (Scott Barry Kaufman, Ph.D., adjunct asssistant professor of psychology, New York University)
Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Nacissist is a well written book which highlights in straight forward language how people get caught in pathological caretaking roles. The author provides a self-assessment test which itself will help people recognize just how they have allowed themselves to be manipulated into being self-defeating, pathologically altruistic and how they unwittingly may collude with their borderline or narcissistic partner. She also offers clinical insights and advice on how to progress from being in a negative " drama triangle" to a more autonomous person in a "caring triangle" based on mutuality and reciprocity. This book is a self-help manual for identifying and changing maladaptive behavior. (Stefan A. Pasternack, M.D. DLFAPA, affiliate clinical professor of psychiatry, Florida Atlantic)
About the Author
Margalis Fjelstad, PhD, LMFT, has a private psychotherapy practice in Ft. Collins, CO, specializing in work with clients who are in relationship to someone who has borderline or narcissistic personality disorder, and she facilitates groups on Caretaker recovery. She has previously been an Adjunct Faculty member at Regis University in Colorado Springs and at California State University in Sacramento.
Most helpful customer reviews
229 of 240 people found the following review helpful.
One of the Best!
By Mary
This book was like reading about several people in my life AND my interactions with them. It further solidified my dawning awareness that these people will not change (not easily and maybe not at all and maybe never). It validated many of my feelings and experiences related to dealing with the BPD & NPD. It gave me HOPE that my life can improve...BUT it will be up to me to make it happen for myself. Waiting for them to care, be kind, share, reciprocate, show empathy, be helpful, be responsible, be less crazy/angry/needy/manipulative is a waste of my time and my life. The author gives many suggestions for what I can do to make my situation better - very helpful as my boundaries have been bludgeoned by the BPD and NPD people for pretty much all of my life. Duh, hello. Why did I not realize all of this on my own many years before? My own thinking was not as clear as it would have been if I had not been subjected all my life to the BPD/NPD authority figures & significant others. The author lays out some very helpful guidelines about my responsibilities vs my caretaking behaviors. It feels like permission to just be a responsible, nice, caring person rather than take on the job of making all these crazy people happy!! Woohoo! I have a long way to go, but the path is a lot more clear after reading this book.
95 of 99 people found the following review helpful.
Excellent, insightful, and to the point
By GJ
This book offers clear insights without delving into the author's past or too many case studies. It provides understanding of the BP/NP personalities as well as the Caretaker's, and why we are inclined to get hooked into these toxic relationships. It gives clear and hopeful advice to Caretakers on how to extricate themselves from a borderline/narcissist, and gives a clear picture of the importance of doing so. This is one of the most USEFUL self-help guides I have read in a long time! I originally borrowed it from a local library but found it so helpful I wanted to own my own copy.
(As for the one star review, the grammatical mistake is only in the web write-up and is corrected on the book flap. The grammar and writing is strong throughout without being too pedantic or technical. A reminder that one should actually read a book before reviewing it.)
74 of 76 people found the following review helpful.
This is worth 10 Stars!
By She
Having been raised in a family with a borderline/narcissist mother, and an enabling father, I have been in denial most of my life about how dysfunctional our life was. This book has forced my eyes open in a way that 7 years with my therapist could not do. Granted, as a recovering Caretaker, I was ready to hear the whole truth about how dysfunctional I had become and how much work is ahead of me to fix myself and not the other people in my life, but this book got into every nook and cranny of dysfunction and called it what it was. I am shocked at all the connections I never made and dismayed at how much I still need to change but I am going to do the hard work ahead. Dysfunction has affected at least 4 generations, I want the buck to stop with me so my kids have a better role model.
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